Sniegs ir nokusis, bet gaišums sirdī palicis

Dievs mani kā mazu bērnu pie rokas ir paņēmis

Un ved ārā tumsā pirms rīta ausmas nenoguris

Es nevaicāju, kur, kāpēc, cik ilgi…

Kaut ceļš šķiet neskaidrs un tāls

Es aplūkoju savu Pavadoni tuvāk,

Un viņa vaigs ir rāms

Es ticu viņam arī tad, kad klūpu,

Jo maigi tieku piecelta arvien

Mēs ejam ilgi, un es vairs par to nedomāju

Nav vairs ne sākuma, ne beigu,

Ne steigas

Ir tikai ceļš, kurš top par manām mājām

Sveiki, draugi, šī trakā gada pēdējā dienā :)

Mani līdz sirds dziļumiem aizkustināja šī rīta mīlestības vēstule no Lutera draudzes un iedvesmoja šajā intīmajā atklāšanās aktā padalīties tālāk.. jo es jau kādu laiku zinu, ka mani procesi nav tikai par mani.

Es neesmu draudzes locekle, es neesmu luterāne. Es sen vairs neesmu arī baznīcā gājēja. Taču manas attiecības ar Dievu ir jau ļoti ilgas un ciešas. Ko tik mēs neesam kopā piedzīvojuši - kādas fāzes un kādas krīzes, šķiršanos un atkal salabšanu! No bērna izpratnes līdz nobriedušām un lolojošām attiecībām.

Ļoti spilgti atceros brīdi, kad 6-7 gadu vecumā Dievs mani aplaimoja ar savu klātbūtni kādā Adventistu baznīcā.. es lidoju un nesapratu, kas ar mani notiek. Šķiet no tā brīža es viņam pieķēros, un viņš ļāva. Un viņš veda. Kā rūpīgs un gādīgs vecāks. Kā Skolotājs. Vēlāk kā mīļotais. Viņš ļāvis sevi saukt daudzos vārdos. Un viņš ļāvis man daudz piedzīvot – gan sāpju, gan priekpilnu brīžu. Esmu pateicīga un pazemīga šīs klātesošās Mīlestības priekšā. Es daudz krītu un ceļos. Nomirstu un piedzimstu. Nemitīgi mācos iemiesot Viņu.  Tas ir ceļš, kuram nav ne sākuma, ne beigu.. no izmisuma pilniem kliedzieniem un asarām līdz rāmai pieņemšanai un gavilēm par šo miesas pilno un gar[š]īgo dzīvi.

Pats svarīgākais, ko es no viņa mācos – ir mīlēt jūs, mīlēt sevi, mīlēt visus līdzcilvēkus.. Visus. Bez izņēmuma. Tieši tādus pašus kā es – bieži nobijušos, noslēgušos, sarūgtinātus, dusmīgus, aizvainotus, izmisušus, priecīgus, smieklīgus, starojošus, perfektus un neperfektus. Tik dažādus un tik vienādus. Lai cik tas salkani varbūt izklausītos, mēs patiešām sirds dziļumos mīlam viens otru. Mēs esam sieti mīlestības saitēm.

Es mīlu jūs :) Es arvien mācos pateikt šos vārdus, uzrakstīt to ir vieglāk nekā pateikt skaļi.. es trenējos ar bērniem, es trenējos ar vecākiem, es trenējos ar draugiem..  pateikt patiešām šo tik svarīgo patiesību, kas varbūt bieži mūs ir ievainojusi… es nekad to netiku pateikusi savam brālim pirms viņš nomira. Un tagad es zinu, cik svarīgi ir to dzirdēt un nebaidīties teikt. No sirds.

Es jūs mīlu. Izmantoju šo brīdi kamēr mana sirds ir atvērta, pārpilna un manas subpersonības nav aizbāzušas man muti un atņēmušas datoru :))

Man ir sajūta, ka nākamais gads nebūs vieglāks vai ērtāks.. bet es domāju, ka ar kādu mīlestības gramu bagātāki mēs varēsim palīdzēt ne tikai paši sev, bet arī viens otram.

Paldies par kopā noieto ceļu un Mīlestības pilnu Jauno Gadu!

One day she woke up, stretched, and felt somehow different.

But she did not pay attention to that.

Her mind switched on and she did her daily routines.

She went to work and got busy.

On her way back home, she noticed beautiful butterfly hovering in the air.

She was happy and excited about its appearance.

She admired how graceful and delicate it was.

A painful sensation of deep longing arrived.

She sighed and hoped that one day she will also be able to fly and bring such a beauty into this world.

Another day on her way to work again she noticed that other people were looking at her, smiling and rejoicing.

She got confused and thought something was wrong with her appearance.

She went to window case to examine herself.

What she saw in reflection astonished her.

She got magnificent butterfly wings on her back.

She got scared. How is that possible? Why would she need wings?

How come she didn’t feel them?

It is too much attention and she do not even know how to use them.

She decided to hide them!

Suddenly another butterfly appeared.

Beautifully and playfully flittering around her.

Her heart began to beat faster as she recognised it.

And the next moment by her surprise she was hovering next to it.

Her wings instinctively had lifted her up in the air.

She felt happy to join butterfly’s sacred dance with the gentle wind.

She enjoyed herself. They enjoyed themselves.

And then she knew. She remembered.

Her name was Inspiration.

She was here to inspire people.. to dream and long for their own beautiful wings.

Which they hid under their dark heavy coats and desperate hearts.

Just by being who She Was.

I am giving birth to myself

I am the mama, and I am the fetus

I want to be reborn in this world

Painful contractions and pushing out

Getting tight

Tension and struggling

Relax and Release

Deep Breathing

Surrendering

And welcoming the Miracle

He came into my dream

Huge

In the size of a dog

Black, blue, purple shining feathers

He blocked my way

He was there for me

For a special reason

To remind me

That magical moment

I did not engage and turned away  

I feared to scare him away

I kneeled and stretched my hand

He came closer and we made a pact

I am trying to escape

I am trying to make myself busy

Driving to the city, having a meeting, going on a holiday, looking for another hobby, signing up for another course, watching movies

Uncertainty and discomfort are making me sick  

I am trying to avoid unpleasant feeling of hating myself

I am avoiding of taking the responsibility and making a choice

I am refusing unacceptable parts of me

What do I fear?

Of going deeper

Of not knowing how deep the bottom is

I gave up

On fixing myself

I got exhausted of trying hard to be needed and accepted  

Tired of repairing myself as a broken and unwanted thing

I gave up on

Looking for approval and earning love

Making myself better and nicer

I gave up

On all my life’s work

It broke my heart

And I became groundless

Overwhelmed with sadness and grief

And self-destructive thoughts

I fell into the deepest and darkest hole

Still longing and hoping to be whole

Polarizācija mūsu prātā izraisa polarizāciju visā sabiedrībā

Savējie un Svešie

Mēs pret Citiem

Mana kastīte un Tava kastīte

Labie un Sliktie

Pareizie un nepareizie

Vērtīgie un nevērtīgie

Masku nēsātāji un masku nīdēji

Atbildīgie un Bezatbildīgie

Drosmīgie un Bailīgie

Sazvērestības teoriju cienītāji un Kritiskā prāta lietotāji

Bļāvēji un pie sevis pukstētāji

Sportisti un Ballētāji

Gudrie un Muļķi

Profesionāļi un Demagogi / Populisti

Utt. U.tjpr.

Es atsakos ieņemt šīs puses un kastītes. Es atsakos būt savējais vai tavējais. Es atsakos iesaistīties raganu medībās, jo mums visiem pamatā ir vienas un tās pašas ciešanas, bailes, sāpes un nevēlēšanās just to, ko mēs jūtam, un es ticu “basic goodness” ikvienā un visos, lai kā mēs to manifestētu..

Es to saku skaļi, jo man tas katru dienu sev jāatgādina. Daudz reižu. Jo es esmu “most people”

My Beloved kissed me in my dream

It was something far more than romantic or sexual

It was Divine

I have never experienced such Love

I fell into another reality

And woke up desperately crying from that beauty

Longing to meet him again

Vairāk par nāvi man ir bail no kauna

Nāve atbrīvo

Kauns padara nebrīvu

Tas liek piedzīvot tūkstošiem miršanu

Iespiežas katrā ādas porā

Ieritinās vēderā

Un neļauj elpot

Tas iedzen stūrī un liek cīnīties

Shame and guilt are my quilt

Es pieredzu ārkārtīgi laimīgus brīžus

Starp tiem, kad atkal krītu sekluma bezdibenī

Mūžīgais dimants atspoguļo tūkstoš saules un

Nebeidzamo mīlētāju deju, kad divi top par vienu.. un atkal atdalās

I put my wounds on altar sacredly

And kneeling I bow to them reverently

Every scar, every bruise, every pain of mine I embrace gratefully

For they have taught me all I need:

Modesty, simplicity, and beauty of smallness

Greatness, courage, and resilience

Paradox of Love

Secret of Death

Poetry of Life

I am breaking into pieces

And letting them fall on the ground

I am falling apart

And I am not interfering

I am not picking up the crumbs

I am not the One

I wish I was

But I am not

I want to be Special

But my heart is full of fear and attachments

My vision is unclear

My mind is spinning

Looking for recognition

I do not travel unknown paths

I stick to safety…

KraKraKra – Crow is laughing – sitting on my chimney

She called me: Mystery!

I almost jumped and hoped I misheard

I pretended I was busy

I went back to sleep

I tried to forget and went shopping

But my heart pounded and blood rushed to the head

I got dizzy

I cried: No, no, no…

I am Noname, I am nothing special, It’s all too big for me!

And She said: gather your courage and surrender

You have heard the Call

Yes is all there is

Mystery vs Misery

Tik smalka un trausla kā pavasara ziediņš

Tā izstīdzējusi no zemes vēl ziemas salos

Es baidos tai uzelpot vai aizskart

Tik brīnišķīga ir tās nevainība

Es šādu sugu neesmu redzējusi

Bet es zinu, ka tā aug tikai brīvībā un savvaļā

Tāpēc es klusi apsēdīšos tai cieši blakus

un vērošu tās svēto uzplaukšanu un ziedēšanu.

As delicate and fragile as a spring flower

It sprouts from the ground

Still in the winter frost.

I'm afraid even to breathe or touch it

Its innocence is so wonderful.

I have never seen such a species

But I know it grows only in freedom and in the wild.

So I will sit quietly next to it

and watch its sacred flourishing and blooming.

When Death comes

She tells you a secret which is not a secret:

“There is so much Love behind that Door”

You can barely hold it

You are scared of it as if it was Death

It is overwhelming, you can’t look at it for long, it can make you blind

You can lose yourself in it, you can make fool of yourself and behave silly

You don’t know what to do with it, how to live with it, how to be this vulnerable

It changes everything you know.

Your mind is like a spinning wheel

Trying to put this in order

But there is no

It is warning you and making alert:

“You are in a Great, Great Danger!

It will not last long, it will make you miserable!

This is not a fairytail with a happy ending!”

And you breathe deeply as you are shaking and shivering

Leaning against that door behind you

Oh, it is closed! There is no way back

And you breath deeply to gain courage for this unsafe journey

And make your first shaky steps as a baby scared to fall

In this totally unknown, vast World

But you are curious. You have heard the Call, the Invitation

It is welcoming you softly and tenderly singing old forgotten love song for your Soul

You are in love

My tears and pain are my Truth

My laughter and love are my Truth

My fear and anger are my Truth

My joy and pleasure are my Truth

I am Truth

Without old skin, clothing, and shackles

Naked, exposed, heard and seen

Not even wrapping in my long hair